Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much crap (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of crap they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough crap, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the crap you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the Anti-American

sentiment and negativity, we should remember England‘s Prime Minister

Tony Blair’s words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his

Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said: ' A

simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in...

And how many want out. '

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

This is worth knowing......

Reheat Pizza - Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why do drive-up ATM buttons have braille symbols?

If you have your girlfriend with you...use one hand for the "withdrawal" and one hand for

the "deposit"?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Dan,

I expect you'll delete this one.

Sex in the shower:
In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

A huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. . . . The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.

Statistics provided by the famed film maker "Michael Moore"

If you work in an office try this:

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet,
and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the
cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want
the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just
going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke
her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so
I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.